Raising our Daughters, Raising Ourselves: Emotional Awareness I've Learned from My Daughter

"We tell our girls that their feelings are like horses-- beautiful, spirited horses. But

they are the riders. We tell them that God gave them this horse when they were born, and they will ride it their whole life."

from "Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches"

by Rachel Jankovic

The mom's group I am a part of recently started reading  and discussing this short, but profound book, Loving the Little Years. The fifth chapter is entitled Spirited Horses. It's a sweet and simple suggestion of teaching little girls about their emotions by comparing them to a "spirited horse." Beautiful, powerful... but in need of some training and control. Early one morning last week, after some silly sibling squabble over something, my five year old daughter proceeded to slap her brother and then turned to me, with anger and frustration in her beautiful hazel eyes... and said "And you, you shut up!" Sure I was taken aback for a second, because this was the first time she has said this to me, her own mother! In fact, I don't think she's said it to anyone. Thank G-d that my husband had gotten up before me that day, and I had been greeted with hot coffee and fresh pancakes! Another morning, under different circumstances, and perhaps I would have taken this affront personally or gotten angry (which happens frequently), and my response could have been very different. On this morning, however, I calmly told her to go calm down in her room, and that I would be in soon to talk to her. With this little book in hand, I went into my daughter's room, because I knew it was time. Fighting back tears (because we mothers are still riding this horse too!), I read her the story about the spirited horses, and why she had to learn to control her emotions. So...yeah, I could not have discovered this book at a better time than the present! 

I've been a mother for five (loooong) years, and I've found that parenting is "a lot of on-the-job failure and correction. Repenting and forgiving. Laughing. Lots and lots of laughing"...(at yourself, that is) as Jankovic says it is. I had taught my daughter about emotions in Pre-K, and we made some cute "emotional eggs" and everything, but now I am witnessing such complex emotions in her little self, and she (and sometimes I) have no idea what to do with them. It can be scary. That's why I'm so grateful for this mom, (mother of four daughters) and how she can help me (mother of one daughter.) Without the emotional outbursts my daughter has been experiencing lately, I wouldn't have been driven to research for this post.

I see her frustration. I hear her whining. I have experienced her moodiness. I've been angry with her for her behavior.
But now, perhaps for the first time, I feel her pain and want to help her. 

I think sometimes we, as mothers, are expected to know how to deal with little girls and all their "issues," because we were once little girls ourselves. I have found that raising a daughter actually shows me everything I don't know about little girls (or myself), and has motivated me to get to know myself better, so I can help her know who she is. I don't even remember what I was like at age 5, besides really quiet and shy. I was a tomboy, the only girl in the family, had two (much) older brothers, my father was a former drill instructor in the Marines, and my mother was pretty quiet, too. Sounds like the ideal family to raise an expert in expressing emotions, doesn't it?

Yeah, not even close.

I'm still quiet, and an introvert through and through, but I'm pretty confident that I know who I am. But I'm thirty-two. She's five. One thing I think that everyone recalls from their childhood and adolescence is that it took years and years to discover who you really are. We all go through those awkward stages to find ourselves. Now, after all that, we must help our children through them. At times, it feels like the blind are leading the blind. The good thing about mothers, however, is their willingness, even eagerness, to learn from other mothers. We yearn to experience motherhood, we learn from the good and the bad, we try suggestions as easily as we give them out, and we share stories with other mothers... every.chance.we.get. It never gets old, and there are always new things to share.

That's why there are "mom's groups" in the first place!

That is why I blog. 

To share, to encourage, to connect...

Girls of all ages long to connect with other girls. It's how we were made. We're relational. Sometimes moms and daughters have times of disconnection, and it's almost always because of emotions (on both sides.) When best friends stop talking to each other, when wives give their husbands the silent treatment, when little girls tell their mothers to shut up... it's always emotions. Your sweet little princess is growing up, and on her way to becoming a passionate young woman! Exciting and terrifying at the same time, isn't it?! Especially when you get those little glimpses of her acting (and reacting) JUST LIKE YOU! If that doesn't make your day, then I don't know what will! :) I don't know about you, but the last thing I want for my daughter is for her to be just like me! No, I want her to be better... a better mom, a better wife, etc. In reality, she will probably be dealing with this issue with her first daughter (B"H) many years down the road. If I accomplish little else, I definitely hope to teach her (allow her) to better express her emotions. 

It's been an emotional couple weeks here at home. Since she badmouthed me in the kitchen last week, I have had to turn around, (after successfully getting the two kids winter-ready and down the elevator) because she was crying hysterically and (I thought) making up excuses for not wanting to go anywhere... she was too tired... her foot, then her belly was hurting... And I really wanted to get out of the house, (we were heading out to her best friend's house for a playdate, not the dentist or something!) so I was not at all happy with her meltdown. As she was lying in her bed, still crying, I was in the kitchen trying to calm myself while texting my friend to say that we were not coming. And through the crocodile tears and whiny cries of "mommy!," I hear her say "Can you pray for me?" Those five little words immediately softened my heart, and told me that she really needs my help with this. Once again, with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I go into her room to sit with her and talk about those spirited horses. As my tears flow, I have to assure her that she is not making me cry. I tell her that mommies have emotions, too. She looks over at her two-year old brother, who is staring at both of us with wide-eyed wonder, still in his coat and boots wondering why we're not going "bye-bye" and she asks "Do boys have emotions, too?" I say "Yes, but they don't cry as much as we do." We both smile. I convince him to bring me a tissue, which in his mind is a square and a half of toilet paper, and we dry our eyes.

I love the fact that along with the four girls, Jankovic also has a two-year old son. She calls him "simple-- just right up the middle and easy. He either disobeys, or he doesn't. Sometimes, when he feels really complicated and deep, he fusses." This describes my son pretty well, except that when he feels complicated and deep, he imitates his big sister (which is quite hilarious). I try to put his sock on, and in his best whiny voice, he'll say "owwwww" or if I tell him to do something, he'll let out an exaggerated "noooo!"... but if I just wait, and look into his face, I can read behind his little smirk and it screams "I saw my sister do this, so I thought I would try it!"...and our eyes will meet, and we'll both smile. Then, he is himself again.

"I caught her on the kitchen counter getting into something. Surprise was my first response -- "What are you doing?" Her immediate response was to throw her hands up over her eyes in shame. It was at that moment I realized that she didn't know what was causing it either! She was just as surprised as I was to find herself being so delinquent. It wasn't any kind of deep malice that got her into those cupboards looking for chocolate chips-- it was just a simple lack of control."

from "Loving the Little Years: Motherhood in the Trenches"

by Rachel Jankovic

Realizing that my daughter's emotions are kind of outta control right now, I started looking for resources to help us both learn how to manage them. Not to ignore them, or condemn them, but to understand and manage them. I found this great post here called "Resources to Teach Kids about Emotions, and How to Handle Them."   It was written by a mother of seven, including several adopted children with emotional/sensory issues, and contains a long list of books and games dealing with emotional awareness. I searched for some of these books at my local library, and found some good ones. I put others on hold, and am waiting for them to come in.

To give you an idea of just how many resources she lists:

And those are just the book! She also has games and cards, etc. So visit her blog and check them out!

I made a new Pinterest board on raising girls, but right now it's all resources for emotional awareness that I want to look into. To see it, click here. 

Being aware of your child's emotional struggles is the first step to helping them deal with them. It's like a puzzle that is coming together for me. I've known about the jealousy she feels for her little brother sometimes, and the sadness that oftentimes comes over her when her father is traveling and away from home (I'll save that for another post!). But I didn't see and understand how anxious she gets. It is widely known that anxiety and worry are actually bad for your health. Worry can cause bellyaches, especially in small children who don't know how to deal with it. For months now, my daughter has had the tendency to complain that her belly is hurting if we are in the car. Sometimes it comes and goes, and sometimes it gets to the point where she is crying out or ripping her seatbelt off while I am still driving. I was trying to figure out why it was happening, but I thought that she must have some mild form of motion sickness like my mother has. I would try to offer to put peppermint oil on her belly, but she hates the smell of it. I would make sure the seatbelt wasn't too tight, but that wasn't the problem. Now I'm wondering if it has more to do with her having anxiety about being in the car than anything else. Now that I'm intentionally aware of her struggle, I see how worried she can get. I sometimes wrote her off as being dramatic (which she most certainly can be) all the time. I see now that her anxiety has been building up, and I am capable of easing it for her. 

Probably the most helpful of the books I found at the library is What To Do When You Worry Too Much by Dawn Huebner, MD. It's in a workbook format, having text that I can read to her and then a page for her to draw something to express what she worries about, etc. It was great going through this with her (she keeps requesting that I read it again!) and it has helped to ease her worries, mostly by letting her know she's not the only kid who worries, and by giving me the understanding I needed to not allow her to dwell on her them and make her feel worse. The book mentions the bellyaches and other side effects of worry, a "worry time" for each day, and does a good job of equipping parents and kids with tools to deal with this troublesome tendency. In addition, it has helped my husband and I to be much more mindful of what we say and do around her. It also makes us more aware of our own anxiety, and how and how not to express it in her presence. If you have children who worry, this is a great resource for the entire family.

Another wonderfully helpful idea from my new friend over at www.thechaosandtheclutter.com is a homemade "anti-anxiety kit" for children. Inspired by her ideas, I put together a "Worry Kit" for my daughter. Hers included some homeopathic stress relief drops, so I tried to offer some essential oils to my princess, but it turns out that every one I have smells "disgusting" to her. Lavender and Vanilla are said to be soothing, so I ordered some vanilla oil for her (she doesn't like lavender), which I plan to add to her little felt elephant pillow she helped me sew in school this week. (Got the idea here.)

Our Worry Kit also includes flour-filled balloons (much easier than filling with playdough) for a relaxing sensory sensation, and a large plastic egg filled with "worry cards" which I typed up and added clip-art to so she can "read" them to herself. They are all ideas that she can implement when she is worried to make the anxiety go away. Some of the ideas are from the website above, and some are from the "Worry Too Much" book. I also printed out a little card with a multitude of emotions (faces) on it for her to look at, and ordered the book "The Way I Feel" by Janan Cain. The cards say things like Pray, Take Deep Breaths, Count to 10, Hum a Song, Talk to Someone, etc. (Email me at why_b_messianic{at}yahoo.com if you would like the Word document to print at home.) So far, she has used the kit a few times, and she loves it (even shows it off to friends!) The best part of it is that we have not had to cancel any more playdates because she was too upset to leave the house! Yay! {By the way, in the process of writing this, we also missed the mom's group meeting that discussed the "Spirited Horses" chapter because of her emotional crisis at home. Disappointing, but at least now I have the knowledge to help her in the future!}

Raising a daughter has proven to be an amazing adventure, spirited horses and all. She has taught me how to laugh, and oftentimes reminds me to cry, too. She has pointed out all my weakness, but she also glorifies my strengths. She is my biggest fan, and my toughest critic... and I'm convinced it will always be that way. She is my constant companion, and sometimes a walking mirror of myself (scary)... Most of all, she is "G-d's Solemn Promise," and has taught me more about myself than anything else....

**As always, comments are appreciated. Moms of little worry warts, feel free to share additional resources and ideas not mentioned here. My research continues, so I will add any really good ones that I find!**

Be blessed!

Joanna

because i said so...

Let me just begin by saying that this issue had me perplexed for months, but I can finally put it into words, (hopefully coherent ones!) Perhaps you've heard of the "deed over creed" understanding in many areas of Judaism today. It was really brought to my attention when I was reading a book on parenting using Jewish principles, "The Blessing of a Skinned Knee," by Wendy Mogel M.D. Though intriguing, I wasn't completed satisfied with the idea. However, through this author's explanation coupled with a message I heard my rabbi teach on spiritual maturity, I have come to understand it much more fully now. Oh, the wonderful lessons we learn from parenting children! (and books on parenting!)
Towards the beginning of the book, the author sums up this "deed over creed" idea as follows: "In Jewish theology, deed carries more weight than creed. This means that G-d is more interested in our actions than in pledges of faith, in how we treat others than in the quality of our prayer. The sages of the Talmud taught that G-d said, 'Better that my people should forsake me but observe my laws, than believe in me but not observe my laws.'" (pp.63-64)

As I read this over and over again, it seemed that something was missing. Doesn't it matter what I believe and how I feel as well as what I do? Then I heard my wise rabbi teaching about spiritual maturity... and the pieces came together. In order to become spiritually mature, we have to "do things" that we don't necessarily understand and/or feel positively about. We have to take G-d at His Word and do what He says, just because He said it. Taking Mogel's words into consideration, she is speaking about parenting children... and we are often like children when it comes to our spirituality. When G-d, our Father, tells us to do something, we sometimes ask "why?" just as we asked our own earthly mothers and fathers when we were young. (And I kid you not, I'm certain I have heard my own daughter ask me "why", and she's not even two years old!) Sure enough, just as it did so many years ago, the answer comes booming back, "Because I said so!" As Mogel mentions, it is commonly understood that in Exodus 24:7, "na'aseh venishmah-- you will do and you will understand" was written in that order for a reason. She writes, "First you do. You are welcome to take your doubts along... Every day, you mine the details for opportunities to elevate, to sanctify, to make order and find meaning. From your actions, you begin to learn G-d's wisdom and see the mark of G-d's touch." (p.241) In other words, just do it and understanding will come eventually.

Just as G-d tells us, "do it anyway," we expect our children to obey us, to not play in the street with matches, to respect others' property, to have manners... even if they don't understand what the big deal is, even if they feel like doing the opposite of what we say, and even if they do it while cursing us under their breath. We are responsible for disciplining our children for disobedience, so that they will learn to do what we say, and more importantly, learn the difference between right and wrong. We cannot alter their feelings, but we can alter their behavior. Likewise, G-d has given us commandments to obey (for our own good). Unfortunately, many of us who are adults physically are still children spiritually, so Mogel's comments apply to us as well. In striving to become mature believers, we must do what G-d says. One day, whether it's here in this world or in the next at the Rabbi's feet, when we become mature, we will understand why we did it....

teaching tzedakah

"Count off fifty days up to the day after the seventh Sabbath, and then present an offering of new grain to the L-rd."

Leviticus (Vayikra 23:16)

With Shavuot, the Feast of Weeks in Leviticus 23, (very informative article on Shavuot: http://ffoz.org/messiahonline/articles/appointed_times/shavuot.php?zoom_highlight=shavuot+tzedakah approaching, many people all over the world are thinking about giving tzedakah (referring to charity, but translated from the Hebrew as "justice" or "righteousness")

This is a beautiful time of year to also teach our children the importance of tzedakah. To teach it, however, we must first make it a vital part of our lives, because children learn what they live. Having a family tzedakah box inside your home is a great place to start, having a common goal of how your spare change could be used to bless someone else's life. I recently came across a "Wonder Pets" family charity bank on NickJr.'s website, and since my daughter loves the show, I'm going to make one. But we already have several places for our change (which is the problem), but the boxes never fill up because the change is spread too thin! Nevertheless, even an 18-month old can put quarters into a bank slot, and she loves to do it! Other forms of tzedakah don't require money banks at all. We can write checks, give online, give cash, give food, clothes, volunteer our time, etc. etc. If we make giving a part of our lives (and do it joyfully), then our children will learn to do the same.

I found this article to be very helpful in explaining a Jewish understanding of tzedakah, so I pasted it in its entirety. Find the original at: http://www.myjewishlearning.com/practices/Ethics/Tzedakah_Charity/Themes.shtml?PRET "Anyone who has ever studied another language knows that there are certain ideas and concepts that can only be understood in their original language. In Jewish tradition, too, there are values embedded in its very language of keywords and phrases that cannot always be adequately translated or explained. The Hebrew word tzedakah is one example.

Although often translated as “charity,” tzedakah is not equivalent to charity. Rather, its root means “justice.” Charity comes from the Latin word caritas, which means “love.” The concept of charity in English is considered voluntary because it comes from the heart. In Christianity, charity is something which people give when their hearts move them.

In contrast, tzedakah/justice is a biblical and rabbinic concept that embodies the idea that Jews are obligated to pursue social and economic justice. Jews must help the oppressed members of society as well as those in financial straits not because they want to, but because they are required to do so as one way of serving G-d, performing G-d’s commandments, and even acting like G-d. (Indeed, in the biblical text the word “tzedakah” is usually used as an expression of

G-d’s own righteousness and justice—and human beings are commanded to pursue tzedek (a closely related word), social justice.) Tzedakah is a way of looking at the world and understanding the human role in creating a more perfect world—and by doing so, imitating qualities of the Divine.

The giving of tzedakah is even equated with a spiritually righteous and expiating act of religious significance. Rabbi Akiba, one of the greatest rabbis from the time of the Talmud, once stated that when the ancient Temple in Jerusalem used to stand, the altar, upon which animal sacrifices were made, used to atone for the sins of the people of Israel. But since the destruction of the Temple in 70 CE by the Romans, Rabbi Akiba claimed that now a person’s dining table atones for each person's sins. How so? By being able to invite needy guests home and to provide them with food.

The talmudic rabbis felt strongly about the spiritual significance of tzedakah, claiming that when one practices tzedakah and justice, it is as though he or she had filled the world with lovingkindness. One rabbinic teaching states that when a beggar stands before you asking for alms, you should know that the holy presence of G-d stands by the beggar’s side

Tzedakah is closely related to gemilut chasadim, which involves actions and commitment beyond mere financial gifts. It can mean donating one’s time and energy to helping others, such as reading for the blind, visiting in a hospital, or volunteering in a food bank. The Jewish tradition requires us to give something of ours, money and time, to those in need. It also recognizes that throughout our lives we will all be in need at various times, of financial assistance or simply of care throughout life’s challenges, and that providing such assistance is required of individuals and communities. In the theology of Judaism, all of our possessions, and even the time we are allotted on earth, are but a loan from the Creator. Therefore, when we engage in the commandment and duty of tzedakah (and the related category of gemilut chasadim), we are securing a more equitable distribution of G-d's gifts to humanity."

This same website also had an article on how to teach children about tzedakah, which is at:

http://www.myjewishlearning.com/practices/Ethics/Tzedakah_Charity/Themes/Teaching_Tzedakah.shtml?PRET

In conclusion, I think the best way to teach children how to give is to show them. If they don't see you giving, then they won't know that you are. Getting them involved in tzedakah projects as a family is crucial to their understanding of tzedakah. As my daughter gets older, I make sure that she "gives gifts" to others, which consists right now of her handing them the gift, but as she gets older, she will be able to give gifts of her own. Young children can "pick out" gifts, can hand money to homeless people, can put a donation into a tzedakah box, can help pack a box that is being sent overseas, can volunteer their time, can make people smile, etc.... so never underestimate the power of a child to give. In fact, it is usually children who teach us adults how to give! And they do it cheerfully, as we are told to do in 2 Corinthians 9:7.

In searching for ways that a small child can be involved in giving, I came across the Pajama Program/The Great Sprout tuck-in (if you watch Sprout on demand, you've heard of it!), which donates new pajamas and books to children in need, many waiting to be adopted. A toddler can certainly help pick out a pair of jammies and a book to give away, and for older children there is a "pajama party" to collect the donations and send them in. All the info can be found here:

www.sproutonline.com/sprout/greattuckin This is just one simple way to teach children to give, but more importantly, they need to see us give... and not just money, of course. Children see and hear everything.... how we spend our time, how we treat other people, how we talk to people, and how we give of ourselves to others, and that is what they will imitate.

In this season of special offerings and gifts (and celebrating the beautiful gift of the Torah that G-d gave us, both the Written and the Living Torah), let us also give... give to G-d, give to others, and give our children an understanding that tzedakah is not something we do every once in a while to feel good about ourselves, but it's a way of life.

real SCRAPbooking

I firmly believe that G-d is interested in every aspect of our lives.... how we raise our children, spend our time, spend our money, etc. Frugality has been important to me for years, but now that I am living in one of the most expensive states in the country, my family has one income and a child, it has become that much more important! In moving into this Brooklyn apartment, we are spending as little as possible to settle in, which actually works out well because we have no extra storage space like we were used to, and we are prodded to utilize everything we brought with us in creative ways in order to gain more space and reduce clutter.

You've heard the saying, "Necessity is the mother of invention." Well, it's true! Because I am unable to just go out and buy everything that I think we need (shopping is not even easy here, and we shop in New Jersey to save money), I have become more creative in making things (like my daughter's diaper-box-bookcase wrapped in leftover wall border), keeping my toddler occupied (this morning she played with a plastic 'sandbox' full of dry oats from the pantry), and making memories (real SCRAPbooking!)

I have always enjoyed the idea of scrapbooking, but never really followed through with creating actual scrapbooks. Let's be honest, the hobby known as 'scrapbooking' today has become a million dollar industry, and when you go to the scrapbooking section of your local craft store, there are no scraps to be found! Those papers, embellishments, stickers, and scrapbooks are fancy and expensive! So in the interest of frugality, I have begun to make "real SCRAPbooks" for my family..... using magazine and newspaper clippings, photographs, wrapping paper, greeting cards, and (surprisingly) paper scraps!! It's fun, frugal, forces you to be creative, and it's also a great way to reuse items that you would otherwise either throw out or allow to clutter your home. It will also be great fun for Elisheva when she is older and can help make her own books (right now she just tries to destroy my work!) and preserve memories of special times in her life. For now, I am using blank board books that I ordered from Oriental Trading Company with intentions of writing some books for my children. They are pretty durable for toddlers. As she gets older, we will graduate to paper books.

Discovering this form of SCRAPbooking has given me so much joy. It's a great way to preserve family memories and keeps me occupied with something creative to do at home. The SCRAPbooks would make great, meaningful gifts, and they allow me to use all of the 'stuff' that I have saved because I knew that I would be able to use it somehow. I find it funny when people tell me how creative I am, because I am merely working with what I already have to stimulate myself, my daughter, and the mind that G-d has given me (and you). I enjoy sharing the simple ways in which G-d blesses me. Allow Him to bless you with simplicity.... because He loves to remind us that money cannot buy happiness, but He provides us with everything we need to be content in Him.

Home-shuling

Although I would love to take credit for coming up with the word, homeshuling, I cannot. I borrowed it from a Jewish mother's parenting blog, which you can find at http://www.homeshuling.wordpress.com/. In the event that you have no idea what the word shul means, it is another word for synagogue. I think that her use of the word homeshuling rather than homeschooling is brilliant!

As my daughter matures further and further beyond the one year mark, it becomes more of a reality to me how important it is to be her first and probably most influential teacher. As her mother and primary caretaker, it is my responsibility to redeem the hours that I spend with her on a daily basis. For the most part, it will be me who teaches her the alphabet, shapes, colors, numbers, and how to read and write, etc. And because she is with me most often, it will also be me who shapes and builds the foundation of her faith in G-d, Yeshua the Messiah, and her love and obedience to Torah. This is a daunting task indeed, but one which I can honestly say that I am very excited about.

It has always been my dream and desire to homeschool my children, and if the L-rd makes that possible for me to do, it will be great. However, even if they do attend school outside the home, my responsibility as their first teacher still remains the same. As soon as Elisheva can hold a crayon to color, I will be "playing school" with her because learning should be fun and engaging. When I was much younger, I had an opportunity to "play school" and teach a 3-year old girl, and she loved it! She thrived on the structure and the activities. I taught her colors, shapes, how to write her name... we sang songs, did crafts, and colored for hours. This love for teaching young children also led me to become a substitute preschool teacher, probably the most fun and fulfilling (and exhausting) job I have ever had! Now, with a child of my own, the excitement level is even higher, but the stakes are also higher. The other children I have taught (hopefully) went home to learn from their parents as well. Elisheva will already be home. Still, I await with great anticipation the discovery of all that she will learn from her father and I. I'm also confident that it will be enjoyable for all of us, as she seems to have a natural curiosity to know everything and a love for books already. I just pray that my husband and I will continue to take this great responsibility seriously and not for granted.

The Torah commands us to teach the instructions of G-d diligently to our children (Deuteronomy 6:7). Yes, we are required to teach them so many other things as well, even if they have other teachers outside the home, but we cannot neglect to teach them, at every opportunity, the word of G-d and how to apply it to their lives. And to teach it, we must live it in our own lives because children, like most people of all ages, believe what they see, not what we tell them to be true. Unfortunately, the phrase "do as I say, not as I do" has no place in Biblical parenting, although we've probably all heard it (or said it) once or twice in our lives. All teachers may not be parents, but all parents are teachers. As the rabbinical saying goes, "He who knows alef and bet is required to teach he who knows only alef."

With every passing day, I see my daughter learning more and more. With every passing day, I teach my daughter more and more. Her "homeshuling" has already begun, and I pray that my husband and I will able to teach her all that she needs to succeed and grow in this world, and all that she will need to know G-d, please Him, and inherit blessings in the world to come.