the faceless child

For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb

~Psalm 139:13~

Pregnancy is one of the greatest miracles I have experienced in my life. A topic has arisen, however, that is one of the greatest mysteries in my life... One that I will be reminded of each time I go to a new gynecologist or doctor, which I did two days ago. There is always the question of "how many pregnancies..." and my answer is currently "two." Unfortunately, my answer to how many children is "one."

In my past life, (in other words, before I knew Yeshua), I experienced a miscarriage at the young age of 20 years old. In addition, within the past few months, the issue has been brought even closer to home as miscarriages have affected the lives of family and friends. Experiencing a miscarriage is an indescribable loss, the loss of your own flesh... within your flesh. Whether it occurs when the baby is five weeks old (which mine did) or five months, it's devastating. Since mine happened early on, I can only imagine that the pain would grow deeper as the weeks and months of bonding and anticipation go along. With that said, I feel that a stillbirth would somehow be the most painful of them all. Anything that I remember about the physical process is too graphic to post here, but I clearly remember that the emotional distress was much worse than anything physical I experienced. Tears of sadness, grief, and disappointment mingled with tears of anger and disbelief. The lingering guilt that maybe I had done something wrong... the fear of getting pregnant again... it's all still real to me. The insensitivity of the staff mixed with the physically painful experience at the E.R... definitely not something I would want to experience again. The doctor I was referred to didn't give me any reason other than the fact that "my body had rejected it"... perhaps she found me too young to understand anything medical, so I'll never know what happened... perhaps she didn't know either.

I found this quote today: "Not all suffering can be explained. There is pain, sometimes, that is not punishment and not repair. True, we were given Torah, a G-dly wisdom containing.. things even Moses asked about and was told to be quiet, to cease to ask... We can only know that whatever happens is from G-d, that G-d is just, and that He does not desire suffering. But until the end of days, we will have to suffer the 'why'" ~Tzvi Freeman. Even though there are no answers to the 'why's of my suffering or the 'why's of the millions of other women who experience such a loss, I did come to see that it didn't happen in vain. It was not until years later, after coming to the knowledge that Yeshua was the Messiah and that He was the Author of Life, that I begin to make peace with the tragedy turned blessing in disguise. Although it is not the case for many women who experience this, I was young, unmarried, and in a relationship that G-d knew (I didn't at the time) was fruitless and even destructive. Through this precious soul that He allowed in my womb for five short weeks, I began to see more clearly that my life was not moving in the direction where, deep down, I desired it to go.

In Ecclesiastes 7:1-4, we read this: "A good name is better than a good ointment, And the day of one's death is better than the day of one's birth. It is better to go to a house of mourning Than to go to a house of feasting, Because that is the end of every man, And the living takes it to heart. Sorrow is better than laughter, For when a face is sad a heart may be happy. The mind of the wise is in the house of mourning, While the mind of fools is in the house of pleasure." Mourning can lead to some deep thinking. Believe me, I know. Within only a few years, I lost an unborn child, my father, and my grandmother. And a few years after that, I gained a relationship with the One who was the only One who could comfort me, Yeshua. Now, years later, I understand that although G-d did not desire to make me suffer, He used each one of these tragedies to bring me just a little closer to Him.... until "the mind of the wise" led me to His feet.

In wanting to reach out to anyone who has suffered this kind of loss, I searched for some resources (there doesn't seem to be a lot!) to share with you. Although I don't agree with them on everything theologically, http://www.chabad.org/ has proven helpful to me concerning many issues. They have an extensive array of articles just for women. I found two concerning miscarriage (by the way, one of might mention reincarnation which I certainly don't agree with, but the good thing about them is they are from personal experiences): They are: "The Empty Sac" www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/337722/jewish/The-Empty-Sac.htm, and "The Unlit Candle" www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/804487/jewish/The-Unlit-Candle

As far as written materials go, I searched at http://www.christianbook.com/ and got a pretty lengthy list: http://www.christianbook.com/Christian/Books/easy_find?Ntt=miscarriage&N=0&Ntk=keywords&action=Search&Ne=0&event=ESRCN&nav_search=1&cms=1&search=%3CSPAN+class%3D%22big-blue-button+cleartype%22%3EGo%3C%2FSPAN%3E and I assume that they are written from a Christian perspective.

I'll never forget that night several years ago, watching some Christian talk-show on television, that it truly hit me. There is a faceless soul, a child... in the presence of G-d Almighty Himself... who happens to be mine, or at least the one that G-d loaned to me for five weeks in my womb. Now I can honestly say, this brings me nothing but great joy and gratitude.

"See that you do not despise one of these little ones, for I say to you that their angels in heaven continually see the face of My Father who is in heaven"

~Matthew 18:10~

** After writing this, I began reading "The Gospel of Ruth" by Carolyn Custis James. I would recommend it to any woman, especially those who are having trouble conceiving children or experiencing miscarriages, etc.