RE-POSTED: getting the leaven out: BATHROOM: the beauty of separation

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction. Also, this post is NOT intended to be read by men... read at your own risk...


The reason that this subject has fallen under the 'bathroom' label in this series is because it will be about a 'potty talk' subject for women and something that men do not normally like to talk about: menstrual cycles. The reason that I would prefer that men not read it (other than my husband of course) is because I feel that menstruation is something that they should discuss with their own wives or read about it in medical texts.

The heart of this entry will be focused less on the actual menstrual cycle (there are many other places to find that information) and more on what orthodox Judaism calls "family purity" or "the laws of niddah" ...simply stated, abstaining from sex with your husband during your period.

First, let me say that menstruation is a monthly miracle (as hard as that it to believe for us sometimes!) Without it, we are unable to conceive children. Although many would view the laws of "family purity" as archaic or outdated, they really are more a celebration of life and the importance of intimacy within marriage. In Biblical times, a menstruating woman was considered "unclean" and "impure"... and if you really think about it, she was! Before the invention of maxi pads and tampons, what would she use to keep herself clean besides rags or pieces of cloth? That's all there was! So I imagine that she was probably hindered from her usual activities (much more so than modern women) and she had to stay close to home. The label "unclean" didn't mean that she had done something wrong, it simply meant that she was in a state of temporary vulnerability. When the menstrual cycle begins, a woman understands that the possibility for life in her womb at that time has ended, so in essence, there is a whisper of death. The uterus must shed its lining, cleaning itself out for the next opportunity to cradle a child... it is preparing to start over. Quoting again from the book, Jewish Women Speak about Jewish Matters, "when stripped to its essence, a woman's menses signals the death of potential life. Each month a woman's body prepares for the possibility of conception. The uterine lining is built up-- rich and replete, ready to serve as a cradle for life-- in anticipation of a fertilized ovum. Menstruation is the shedding of the lining, the end of this possibility. The presence of potential life within fills a woman's body with holiness and purity. With the departure of this potential, impurity sets in, conferring upon the woman a state of impurity or, even more specifically, niddut. Impurity is neither evil nor dangerous, and it is not something tangible. Impurity is a spiritual state of being, the absence of purity, much as darkness is the absence of light." (p.77)

Impurity is very a hard concept for the modern mind to grasp, because we don't tend to have a very holistic view of how the world and our bodies work. Therefore, science develops birth control pills that manipulate our bodies into having only four periods a year! Obviously, this is not what G-d intended, and I am glad that people cannot stop the cycles of the moon or seasons, because G-d's cycles are meant to teach us about the cycle of life. Even believers have difficulty with this concept, especially since there is no physical Temple standing in Jerusalem. I am not claiming to fully understand it either, but perhaps the impure were restricted from the Temple because they were reminders of death.... menstruating women, diseased or injured people, abnormal or physically "imperfect" people... the only thing that these people would have in common is that they make people ponder death and suffering. The Temple was to be a place of life and worship. Since G-d created the menstrual cycle (and also created some people blind, lame, etc.), these impurities were not punishment for sin.

When a woman of child-bearing age (a.k.a. woman who menstruates) becomes one with a man through marriage, that is when the issue of family purity comes along. There is no physical Temple, so how do we apply this mitzvah (commandment) to our lives? Although I don't believe that menstruating women should be restricted from houses of worship (how embarrassing that would be!), I feel that there is something to be applied here. At the very least, I don't think
G-d intends married women to have sexual intimacy with their husbands when they are menstruating. This is something that my husband and I discussed before we got married, and we do abstain from intercourse during this time of the month. In orthodox Judaism, married couples also wait for seven more days after the end of the menstrual cycle and after the woman has gone through a mikveh (ritual bath for immersion). The mikveh is to show that the woman has become pure again and that her status has changed. Afterwards, she is intimately reunited with her husband. Although I don't have access to a mikveh at this time, I think that this is a beautiful practice, and there are messianic believers who build mikveot for this purpose. Perhaps someday I will also have access to a mikveh, and until then I will apply this mitzvah to my life as much as possible.

If you are new to this concept, perhaps it sounds restrictive. The aforementioned book gives a wonderful perspective that will help us to focus on the benefits (blessings) of applying family purity to our lives: "At first glance, the mikveh system speaks of limitations and constraints-- a loss of freedom. In truth, emancipation is born of restriction. Secure, confident, well-adjusted children (and adults) are disciplined children; they understand restraint and ultimately learn self-control. The drawing of parameters creates terra firma amid chaos and confusion and allows for traversing the plain we call life in a progressive and productive manner. And in no area of life is this more necessary than in our most intimate relationships. Over time, open-ended sexual availability leads to a waning of excitement and even interest. Mikveh's monthly hiatus teaches couples to treasure the time they have together. They count the days until they can be together, and each time there is a new quality to their reunion. In this regard, the Talmud states, "So that she will be as beloved as on the day of her marriage." In this way, they are constantly involved in an ongoing process of becoming 'one flesh.'" (pp.79-80) In other words, family purity not only will prove to be beneficial to marriage if practiced, it can also prove to be detrimental if not put into practice.

Family purity not only benefits the married couple, it benefits us as married women. It offers us a "measure of solitude and introspection. There is additionally, an empowering feeling of autonomy over our bodies, and indeed, over the sexual relationship we share with our spouses... (let me clarify: this 'empowering' should not lead us to try to dominate our husbands or use withholding sex as a weapon for getting them to do what we want. That is not Biblical. It should have more of the effect of raising our self-esteem and causing us to feel good about our bodies, which is always rewarding to our husbands as well)... There is strength and comfort in the knowledge that human beings can neither have their every whim nor be had at whim." (Jewish Women Speak... p. 80)


Because the mitzvot concerning the laws of niddah are Temple-dependent, married couples need to come to an understanding of how they will observe them and to what extent. The important thing is that it is consensual, and both the husband and wife are in full agreement. As messianic believers, we hold Rabbi Sha'ul of Tarsus in high regard and he tells the Corinthians this: "The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. But this I say by way of concession, not of command." 1 Corinthians 7:3-6

I like to think of my menstruating self as a closed flower, still beautiful to my husband, but temporarily unavailable... until that day that I bloom once again. Let us strive to view menstruation as the miracle that it is (not The Curse, or the unwanted monthly 'visitor"), and seek G-d's face in understanding the importance of cycles and seasons in His creation, including us. During this Passover season, may we rejoice that He has given us a picture of renewal and 'starting over' even in our own bodies. Indeed, we are wonderfully and fearfully made...

RE-POSTED: getting the leaven out one room at a time... KITCHEN/the mitzvah of moderation

The kitchen seems like an appropriate place to begin because even though I just successfully finished washing (all of) the dirty dishes and wiping up the splattered stove and counter top, my kitchen is still basically a disgrace to housewives everywhere! It's small, cluttered with mail and recipes (and who knows what else), and the floor is always dirty even a few minutes after I mop it. But as Brooklyn apartments go, my kitchen is big and in good working condition, and for this I am grateful. (By the way, the kitchen to your left is NOT my kitchen.)

In preparing for Passover, the kitchen is probably the room in which most of the hard work has to be done. It's time to start going through the pantry, searching the labels for yeast and leavening agents, using up those items as soon as possible, etc. Last year around this time, I was asking my Rabbi (in FL) Ben, what exactly I had to 'throw out,' and he took the time to graciously explain to me that I needed to be careful not to miss the point of the Biblical commands concerning removing the leaven from your homes. While it is perfectly okay to physically get rid of the leaven in our homes, we also have to understand that in the Scriptures, leaven represents sin. What Passover is essentially about is starting anew, (the women who saved a portion of the leaven from their challah bread to make next week's challah rise would throw it away and start over after Passover) and purging the sin (leaven) from our lives. As a physical picture of this spiritual renewal, we are also commanded to abstain from eating leaven during the Feast of Unleavened Bread as well. (I will try to write more later about why believers should celebrate Passover and how it is celebrated.)


As I explained in my introduction, this series is less about cleaning our houses (although important) and more about renewing our hearts and lifestyles, so this above paragraph is most likely all I will mention about removing physical leaven. As the title suggests, the heart of this post is moderation, specifically moderation in eating. Perfectly timed, I received my March issue of Parenting magazine only to find an article that began like this: Raise your hand if you've ever been asked, "So, when are you due?"... after you've given birth (like, way after).

(read the article by going to: http://www.parenting.com/article/Mom/Health--Fitness/8-Flat-Belly-Foods) and just a few weeks earlier a dear man (at least he was in his 70s!) asked me if I was expecting another baby, and I had to say 'no' and we were both slightly embarrassed. It's been over 15 months since I delivered my daughter, over a month of her being weaned from breastfeeding, and I am all out of excuses for being unable to control my appetite! I believe the statement that "diets don't work," but I think that changes in lifestyle certainly do! So as I prepare for Passover, there are items that needs to be removed from the "kitchen" of my heart and many others in need of moderation.

Upon first arriving in Brooklyn and admiring my new kitchen, I was initially comforted by the fact that I was utilizing someone else's kitchen. I thought to myself, "I will have to keep it tidy and take good care of it because it's not mine. If the landlord ever stops by, his kitchen will be clean!" It was like built-in accountability, but regardless, there have many times when I didn't feel like washing the dishes (I thought it was difficult to keep up when I actually had a dishwasher), or sweeping the floor, because it was easier to just leave the mess until tomorrow... or the next day. Unfortunately, sometimes this is how we treat our own bodies, which do not belong to us either. Our bodies are the temple of the Spirit of the Living G-d, and should be treated as such. Therefore, there are really no excuses for not trying to eat healthy or get some kind of regular exercise. I am well aware that this journey will be a long one for me, but I hope to be sharing stories of success in the future. During this season of renewal, it's a wonderful time to begin taking better care of our bodies... to better worship the Spirit that dwells within...

RE-POSTED: getting the leaven out: BEDROOM/shomer negiah

Note: this post in part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction.

"Imagine yourself at a checkout counter. You have never liked shopping at this store because of its less-than-wonderful service. Today is no exception-- you have been waiting to pay for what seems like an eternity. Finally your turn comes. You hand the slow-moving cashier your money. Usually you have to pick up your change off the counter, but today the cashier places it in your hand, and for a brief moment you can feel the warmth of his or her hand on yours. Outside, afterward, you sense something strange. For some reason, you're feeling more warmly toward this store than before. .."
The above quote was taken from "Jewish Women Speak About Jewish Matters," a composition of short articles by Jewish (but not messianic) women. This essay was about the power of touch, the topic of this post. Although there is no direct correlation between this subject and Passover, this series will be concerning topics that I have been pondering in my preparations for this Feast of renewal.
In Judaism, to be cautious with this powerful form of affection is known as "Shomer Negiah," or "guardian of touching." As the book states, "this strikes some people as extreme. But the truth is that for anyone who's serious about getting the most out of a relationship-- and avoiding the pain of failed ones-- being shomer negiah makes eminent sense" for the fact that the power of human touch "can be harnessed constructively or destructively. Touch can be used to comfort-- or to manipulate... and can create illusory feelings of intimacy and make you feel close to a person even when you are not really so close after all, creating many serious problems." (pp.60-61)



The best metaphor to use concerning the power of touch that I have found is electricity. I came to this understanding on an El Al plane returning from one of my trips to Israel. If you've ever made this flight, you know that the plane is scattered with orthodox Jewish people. The men will often make their way to the back of the plane during prayer times, and it is an incredible experience to be a part of. Something that I had been pondering while in Israel was (what I thought to be) a lack of affection between orthodox Jewish couples. Now I understand it much more. On that plane, I begin to think that if the couple in front of me did happen to touch, even unknowingly, I would see sparks fly or something! why? Because this couple did not treat touch as something common or to be shared with just anyone, anywhere, at anytime. To them, touch was sacred. There's an electricity that exists between husband and wife, whether they choose to make sparks fly in public or not. Honestly, most people are uncomfortable in the presence of a couple that shows too much affection in public, right? Well, that day I decided that my husband and I (I was yet to be married at this point) would be shomer negiah, guardians of touch. This can be applied to your life, whether you are married or single.


During our courtship, my husband and I did not kiss, but we did hold hands and hug one another (but if I could go back, perhaps I would change that). There is appropriate touch for an engaged couple. In fact, during our pre-marital coaching, we learned that affirmation is very important for a man, while affection is very important for a woman. While meaningful, non-sexual touch is one way to show affection, there are many other ways as well. This is why in orthodox Judaism, married men and women do not even touch each other during the woman's menstrual cycle (and the seven days following it. I will be writing more about this later). They do this not only so that there is less temptation for sexual contact, but also to learn how to communicate and show affection to one another without touching. They also do not touch people of the opposite sex who are not their spouse or relatives. I think we have much to learn from this principle.

Since I have become a married woman, shomer negiah has become much more important to me. In applying it to my own life, I rarely hug men other than my husband or my relatives. If a man (who is a dear friend of course) approaches me to hug, I don't deny him but i don't get close to him either. I also don't offer my hand to a man to shake, but if he holds out his hand, then I will shake it. Of course, I take into account that there are many cultures who are more openly affectionate than others, and I have never rejected a hug or kiss on the cheek from them, and it's not a huge deal for me in those cases. I am just mindful (cautious) of who, why, and how I am touching, because my body belongs to G-d first and my husband second. Without being rude or making people uncomfortable, I feel that being shomer negiah is healthy... for single people and married couples. Why? Because it is a meaningful way to show G-d that we respect and revere this powerful force that he created, touch. It also shows our spouse (or future spouse) that we honor them enough to preserve even our sense of touch for them and them only. Think about it: the fact that we cannot touch G-d proves that other (perhaps deeper, soul connecting) ways exist to show affection. Let's search our own hearts to learn what those ways are so that we can extend them to those who are made in His image.

RE-POSTED: getting the leaven out: LIVING ROOM/redeeming the time

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down for other posts and introduction.

One of my family's biggest obstacles to keeping a clean house is not putting things away after we use them. Instead of taking the few seconds then to put the item away, I end up spending hours on it after things have piled up for a while! This is something I am really trying to work on. I think the reason that I struggle to keep up with organization is my lack of time management. One key culprit that has to be included in this calculation is the biggest time waster ever invented: the television! I have friends who have given up on cable TV and gotten rid of it, which is kind of the direction that I am possibly headed in the near future.


I can't help but remember the days when I was a college student, living with my mom, working part-time, and planning my wedding... there was no time for TV! I never even turned the power switch on. My life was full, busy, and rewarding... which it still is, but somehow I have made time to watch television... too much of it in my opinion. I also remember even earlier days when I imagined what my life would be like when I had children of my own... they would be extremely intelligent and they would not watch TV. My, how things change when your dreams become a reality! I am now grateful for the few minutes that my 16 month old actually spends in front of the television, because then maybe I can use the bathroom alone or wash dishes while she is occupied! However, I remain wholeheartedly against using TV as a babysitter for hours during the day. Any TV that my child does watch should also be educational and age-appropriate. As she gets older, I know there will be many more activities she can do alone as well, and I won't have to use the TV as a "crutch" to keep her engaged in something.


I have really realized the power of turning the television off. Even now as I write this, the window is cracked and I can hear the birds singing outside.... which is an even more precious sound to my ears now that I live in the city. In today's society, silence is something to avoid because then you are forced to deal with yourself, your mind, your heart, your existence... so there is always noise. I am convinced that most New Yorkers have probably never experienced true silence.

As my family decides whether to get rid of cable altogether or at least put serious limits on how much and what we watch on TV, we will enjoy the joyous sounds of our daughter, meaningful conversations, and silence (or as close as we get to it). Preparing for Passover takes a lot of time, and so it is a very appropriate season to improve our time management. We are all given the same number of hours each day, so we are responsible for how we choose to spend those hours. Let's redeem our time.

"So teach us to number our days, That we may present to You a heart of wisdom..."

Psalm 90:12

RE-POST: getting the leaven out: THE MIND/keep it simple, stupid

Note: This post is part of a series.

In thinking about dealing with issues of the mind two nights ago, the one conclusion that I was able to come to was to keep it simple. In all of the preparations for Pesach, the reading and researching, exploring others' blogs and having conversations to discover how they view and live a "messianic" life, searching my own mind to try to understand how I view and live a "messianic" life..... it seems to have gotten too complicated. So this is my attempt to simplify (at least for now...) what I have been processing in my mind.


I have come to accept the fact that perhaps there are not a huge amount of messianic believers like myself and my husband, who strive to find the balance of living for Yeshua, keeping Torah as He did, and respecting and embracing those Jewish traditions that neither contradict the Scriptures nor compromise our testimony. There are "messianic believers" from all different walks of life, different levels of Torah observance or non-observance, different cultures, different nuances.... from those who attend churches and have little regard for anything "Jewish" to those who have gone so far in their rabbinical observances of Torah that they end up converting to Judaism and renouncing their faith in Yeshua. We are somewhere in the middle of that wide, wide spectrum labeled "messianic" because we choose to follow the Messiah and His teachings. We may not always find those who walk, talk, or dress like we do... we are who we are, and we rejoice in the fact that G-d created us the way that He did... from non-Jewish (non-Hebrew) families, brought together on similar journeys for a similar purpose in ministry and similar lifestyle.

Nevertheless, living a messianic life is pretty simple. In essence, we need to simply strive and live like Yeshua lived in the first century... in the twenty-first century... which isn't always easy, but it is always simple. Love G-d, Love His Torah, Love His people... and show others how to do the same... simple, right?

During this Passover season, we celebrate and remember our freedom from bondage... from oppression... from sin... but sometimes we forget to set our minds free once again. I am reminded of what Rabbi Shaul wrote in Romans 12:2 ... "And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of G-d is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect." Sometimes our minds become so cluttered and convoluted with everyday life, concerns, and worldliness that we become unable to think clearly about G-d, His Word, and His will for our lives. So what better time could there be to renew our minds than during this season of renewal? The trees are beginning to bloom and blossom, the birds are singing happily, and the winter is turning to spring... let us also follow nature's pattern, changing what needs to be changed, resurrecting what needs to be resurrected, and renewing what needs to be renewed, namely our minds.

"The conclusion, when all has been heard, is fear G-d and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person"

Ecclesiastes 12:13

Re-posted: getting the leaven out: OUTSIDE THE WALLS/watching the sidewalk...

Note: This post is part of a series. Please scroll down to read other posts and introduction.


Moving from a 'drive-everywhere' city to a 'walk-or-take-public-transportation-everywhere' city has taken some getting used to, but the weather was so beautiful today (high of 60 degrees) that I did a lot of walking and loved it! Since I have been walking much more than I'm used to, I have also noticed how New Yorkers tend to "watch the sidewalk" as they pass you, avoiding eye contact for the most part, and rarely giving any kind of acknowledgment or greeting at all. (Although I will say that a few people have acknowledged my daughter, Elli, especially when she is toddling down the sidewalk!) I strive to not conform to this cultural norm, even while living in Brooklyn, but it's difficult. Sometimes it's easier to just look down, rather than look into the eyes of the person you're passing, especially when you know from experience that they will most likely pass you in silence no matter what. Granted, there are a lot of "abnormal" people who flock to bustling cities, so people who live there tend to be a little more cautious or even suspicious of strangers, but I still believe that G-d provokes us and even commands us to reach out to others (even in New York).
Although Palm Beach County is home to a very large Jewish community, there are more "visibly" Jewish (religious) people here in Brooklyn, which is great because it means that my husband and I have more visual reminders as to why we are here and the ministry that we have been called to. Today, for instance, as a Chassidic Jew ran (literally) into the post office to drop off a package while I was waiting in line, I was again reminded of my ministry. Above all joys and aspirations I have as a writer, a mother, a wife... none would even compare to witnessing a Jewish person come to faith in his or her Messiah, Yeshua, and if that Jewish person is "religious" my joy would be multiplied even more!! Witnessing this miracle often happens far too few times for those of us involved in Jewish ministry. However, even if you are not involved with a ministry organization, we are all called to be emissaries for Yeshua... to be His hands and feet, to shine His light. But how can we do this if we conform to watching the sidewalk?
With Passover fast approaching, remember that we are preparing our homes for a Feast of the L-rd. If He is at the center of this celebration, I know He will share with us what it is that we must do. Who does He want you to invite to the Passover seder? What does He want you to share with them? How will it bring Him the most glory? If we clean our homes until they sparkle and shine, what ultimate good will it do if we only invite those who already live there?
During this season of renewal, rebirth, and redemption, let us make Yeshua known to all who will listen, especially His chosen people, the lost sheep of the House of Israel. There's no better time than now, and no better season than Passover, the time to remember Yeshua's sacrificial death and the salvation that comes from believing in Him who died in our place. Isaiah 53 is a great place to begin to share the Messiah's story. In case this is new territory for you, here are a few preliminary pointers for sharing Yeshua with a Jewish person:
1. Choose your terminology carefully. I avoid terms like "christian", "church", "Christ", "convert", and "cross" because these all have negative connotations in the Jewish world and are often associated with Catholicism. Also, if you have noticed, I never attempt to write out or pronounce G-d's name (the Tetragrammaton): 1. Because it is Holy and by not pronouncing it, I am attempting to not "take it in vain" as we are commanded. And 2. A religious Jewish person would be offended to see G-d's name used in a common manner, so I choose not to use any of those attempts at pronouncing G-d's name on my blog. (I completely understand, however, the fact that religious Jewish people will still be offended by me naming Yeshua as the Messiah, choosing to live by Torah even though I was not born into a Jewish family, and by proclaiming to Jewish people that they need to believe in Yeshua as well...and I accept that. But I would rather not offend them concerning the Holy Name of G-d, so I will continue to use "G-d", "L-rd", "HaShem", and sometimes "Adonai" to refer to Him. For more about using G-d's name, read this article: http://www.torahresource.com/EnglishArticles/Sacred%20Name%20parts%201-3.pdf)
2. Show them the Messiah using the Tanach (Hebrew Bible). (He's there!! ) He's in all the Feasts of Leviticus 23, and He's in all of the 39 books! I found this list helpful for presenting G-d's plan and man's need for redemption, taken from the booklet, "How to Introduce Your Jewish Friends to the Messiah":
---1. "G-d loves man and desires that all men should experience a life filled with His blessings: Deuteronomy 6:3, Psalm 16:11, Psalm 36:7-10, Isaiah 41:10
---2. Man is separated from G-d by sin: he is a sinner by nature and by will: Job 15:14-16, Psalm 53: 2-4, Psalm 130:3-4, Psalm 143:2, Ecclesiastes 7:20, Isaiah 64:6, Jeremiah 17:9
---3. The result of sin and separation from G-d is spiritual death: Isaiah 59: 2-3, Jeremiah 31:30, Ezekiel 18:4
---4. Man is unable to find reconciliation with G-d through his own efforts or good deeds: Job 14:4, Psalm 49:7, Proverbs 20:9, Jeremiah 2:22
---5. G-d has provided a way by which reconciliation can be accomplished. Atonement is available through the Messiah as a free gift to all men: Leviticus 17:11, Psalm 49:15, Isaiah 43:11 & 25, Isaiah 53:3-12
---6. The Messiah's atoning death may be appropriated unto salvation by faith in its efficacy: Genesis 15:6, Nahum 1:7, Habakkuk 2:4
---7. Only by repentance of sin and acceptance of Yeshua the Messiah as Savior, through prayer by faith, can reconciliation be made with G-d: Psalm 32:1-5, Proverbs 28:13" (pp.37-38)
3. Study Jewish history and culture and strive to make connections/relationships with Jewish people. They will believe what they see, so show them Torah being lived in your life! Share your testimony and share what Yeshua has done for you. For more testimonies and tips, go to http://www.chosenpeople.org/
Well, I hope this information has been helpful. Let's pray that during this Passover season, many will come to know Yeshua as Messiah! Preparations don't cease once our homes are clean and ready! Many still have not heard that the Passover lamb was sacrificed for them, so let's tell them.

Help for the Introverted Mom... who feels like she's losing it...

*Please take one second to answer my poll question above. Thank you!*

This one has been a while in the making... researching (i.e. sneaking in reading during meals, naptime or whenever I can/ thinking/ lost sleep/ extra trips to the library/ thinking/"writing" this post in my head/ thinking/ you get the idea...) If you're an introvert, I'm sure I've got your attention already, and if you're an introverted mom who chooses to homeschool her kids and stay at home with them all.day.every.day. then this post is for you! I wrote (and composed) it for me, and that's where I'm at. If you happen to get anything beneficial from it, I consider it an added bonus.

saw on Pinterest

Perhaps I've known that I was an introvert for many years now. However, being married (to an introvert) for the last seven years now, and being a mother for five has shown me how much of an introvert I am. If you wonder whether you're an introvert or not, it has little to do with being "shy" or "reserved" and everything to do with needing alone time to recharge. You can definitely find an introvert/extrovert test online if you really don't know whether you're more introverted or extroverted, but everyone leans to one side or the other (while possessing qualities of both.) I would recommend you find out, because knowing what an "introvert" is has helped me tremendously in my personal life. In the past several years (and certainly months!), I have learned more about myself than ever before (and I'm 32!) Knowing that about myself has made me much more comfortable with who I am, and around other people. Here's a short and sweet blog post you can use to identify yourself as an introverted mom: 6 Signs That You're an Introverted Mom

Pinterest

The bestselling book, Quiet by Susan Cain , has really made conversations about introverts more common. My husband heard about it from one of his professors who was married to an introvert, and then one of my introverted friends raved about it (and also lent me her copy.) Truth be told, I have yet to finish it, but I do love what I have read so far. I searched for other books about introverts, and found a couple at the library that hold my (limited) attention better.

The topics that I blog the most passionately about are topics that I have experienced myself, and are dear to my heart. I am currently a stay-at-home mom who has started homeschooling my five year old daughter, so most of my posts are about either homeschooling or other adventures in motherhood (I also have a two year old son.) I started thinking to myself (introverts do this a lot) that I should write about introverted moms (like me) who maybe feel like they're either not cut out for this motherhood thing (kids can be annoying) or there is really something wrong with them (because their own kids are annoying them and they feel guilty about it!) In trying to find some good books on the topic, I didn't see any that were written specifically for moms.

 The Introvert's Way by Sophia Dembling has been a great read, humorous and casually written. Cute book, and a little colorful language I might add. She has an magnificent chapter on the weaknesses of the introvert mind, i.e. easily distracted, "checking-out", etc. But where are the screaming kids in your vacations that you take by yourself even though you're married, Sophia!? 

What, there aren't any?!   

Exactly my point. 

I'm pretty sure that Susan Cain has at least a chapter on raising introverted children, but I don't know if she has one on introverted moms. Then it hit me. Introverted moms with young children don't have the time or the energy to write books for other introverted moms! Oh yeah. They're just like me, just trying to survive the daily, emotionally draining, socially demanding, difficult-for-anyone task of being surrounded by kids all the time. Yeah, that makes sense. ;) 

What I failed to consider, however, was that there were other mommy bloggers out there like me who would at least write helpful or encouraging posts about what life was like for an introverted mom. Thankfully, before I set out to write this much-needed, even ground-breaking! post I have been thinking about for weeks, I did a simple google search for "introvert mom" and the results (pleasantly) surprised me! At least 35 articles and blog posts popped up, and I was dying to read them all! 

If you're an introverted mom looking for useful information and encouragement without having to go through all these, here's the best of what I found: (Hey, my kids are asleep and my husband is out of town. There's nothing I'd rather do at the moment!) ;)

First thing that caught my eye was the website and Facebook page entitled "The Introverted Mom" and after reading these two moms' bios that manage them, it could prove to be a good source of encouragement (and humor!) Their website logo is "We love our kids. We need our downtime." Enough said, ladies.

The title I fell in love with right away was "I gave up by noon: For the introverted mother" and her blog post did not disappoint! She hits the nail on the head when she describes the daily introvert struggles (comparing yourself to extroverted moms, mental exhaustion) and also does a great job of detailing the progression of your child growing older affects you and how it gets harder with each additional child: 

"When I first became a mother, it was still easy to meet all my introverted needs. In the beginning, the symbiosis between mother and baby is so great that being around them feels like being alone. They are simply an extension of yourself. They don't talk, they sleep a great deal of the time and they can be put in a stroller or carrier for long walks whenever you feel like it. It becomes harder when they start walking and talking, but even then the afternoon nap is sufficient to get that time you need.
My oldest daughter stopped napping altogether when she was 2 1/2. I was 6 months pregnant at the time. I managed to make things work for the next year with a combination of 'quiet time' in her room and part time preschool, but things started to unravel when my daughter decided to fight quiet time with everything she had. I was already physically exhausted, but it was the mental exhaustion that was really killing me. I was giving and giving all day every day, but without any peace and quiet I had nothing to fill me back up."

Yes, Lulu. My thoughts exactly.

In this post, she also has a list of ways to try to give yourself quiet time, which I thought was very helpful.These resonated the most with me:

#1. "Get your 'stuff' done while the kids are awake.
In the early days I used to spend nap time or time when my husband took the baby out to cook and clean and do laundry and then wonder why I felt so exhausted and miserable about it. Now unless I have a burning desire to do housework (which almost NEVER happens), I make sure I get things done when the kids are present. I get them to 'help', I speed clean the kitchen while they sit eating their afternoon snacks or breakfast, I run and throw in a load of laundry when they are mesmerized by a toy. The second they are asleep or not home I am OFF duty and I am only allowed to do something I find relaxing, which in my case is usually reading a book."

and

 #5. Be clear about what you need and negotiate.

My husband now understands that while he wants to spend his free time playing music or soccer with his friends, I want him to take the kids out for the afternoon so I can have a totally silent house. You have to let the people in your life know what you need the most and work out exactly how and when you can get it.

I found this to be an awesome post, but her oldest grew up and went to school full-time...so moving right along... :)

For the next one, if the title doesn't grab you, the visual sure will!


The blog: Diary of a Bewildered Mother (and Facebook page)
The post: Grace for the Introverted Mom

She begins with this food for thought: "Being a stay-at-home-mom is the most unnatural thing in the world if you look at the historical order of things. Humans once lived in tribes, clans, family units, villages. Children were raised by their mother, plus any other number of matriarchal type persons. Fathers and other men were involved in the education and nurturing of their children as well. Mothers had help in the form of relatives, wet-nurses or nannies. These days, we tend to fall into one of two extremes: we are the sole caregiver of our children during the day, or else we leave them in the care of educators and coaches and have little time to interact with our own kids. Hopefully you fall somewhere into the middle! Anyway, this isn’t about societal norms or a call to action. It’s about introverts. Introverts who are drained when they are sole caregivers to one or more children."

She goes on to give four tips for introverted moms, the first of which I can definitely relate to:

"Tip #1—Favor reflection over distraction.

We introverts need time, alone, with our thoughts. If I don’t get time alone just to think, or sort out my thoughts, I end up distracting myself with the internet. (As a teen, I used to distract myself with endless hours of TV. As an adult, I don’t have cable, but I have my own laptop.)
I’ll spend hours and hours on Pinterest or YouTube or clicking on random Wikipedia articles to distract myself, when a 20-minute shower would be so much better for me, because I spend only 3 minutes cleaning myself, and the rest of the time, I just let my mind wander and sort and think and rest.
Right now it’s 2 am, and I should be in bed, but I’ve just been putting off my time of introspection all this time, and now I won’t be able to sleep until I think about it."

Distraction and not enough sleep are the story of my life right now! When my children can't find me at any time (because I'm actually hiding from them!) they know to check the computer desk first, and then proceed to knocking on the bathroom door. And while it's not 2 a.m. (yet), I know exactly what she means, although I haven't considered emailing myself before..  hmmm...  The other tips are good ones, too, so read the whole post! She and I seem to have much in common, as she wrote this post while her husband was away for two weeks (ditto) and he is also an introvert.

In the post "I Just Want to Be Alone: Confessions of an Introverted Mom," (ooh, sounds good) she begins with "I love my husband and daughter dearly, but sometimes the sights and sounds of them make me want to scream." (ooh, sounds even better!) This is a short post, but that quote alone made it worthwhile reading, especially when she talks about wanting to kick them out. ;)

Saw on Pinterest, and then doctored it up a little :)

 I just returned to my desk after being interrupted by my ever-so-clingy toddler who woke up wanting me to lie down with him in his bed so he could go back to sleep. I won't say too much about my lovely children here, but my baby boy has literally been attached to my hip for over two years now. He needs my presence to help him sleep, poop, and just about everything he does. He falls asleep squeezing my thumb, which kind of hurts. He melts my heart with his big blue eyes... which is a good thing, because my hip is starting to hurt and he drives me absolutely crazy sometimes! The good news is he is beginning to venture out of my shadow more and more, and he enjoys playing alone more than his five year old sister. I suspect he is an introvert, and we will be good friends one day. My little princess is intelligent, talkative, energetic, emotional, inquisitive, and creative... in a word, exhausting. She's also so observant and highly sensitive, that she requires a lot of sleep and down time (phew!) so that balances it out I guess. I highly doubt that she's an introvert. We will also be very good friends, and I suspect that when she's out on her own, she will call me every day, at least once a day, forever. They are so young and precious, too young to understand my need for alone time. Too young to be away from me for very long. I understand this, and try my best to put myself on hold. Self-sacrifice is what motherhood is all about when they are this little, but I secretly look forward to the days when they want their space (so I can have mine back.) I truly love these "little years" though, and wouldn't change them for anything. I try to enjoy them, chaos and all. Oh wait, did I mention that my daughter was talking in her sleep a few minutes ago....

Anyway....

Speaking of children, the mom at www.space2live.net has several posts about telling kids what an introvert is, and her own list of confessions here. I'll warn you that she's a little edgy, but I did find the information helpful.

Now here is a really helpful post! This mom gives some more practical tips for being a "happy introverted mom"and she has four children, and she homeschools! Yay for her! :) Find her post here. Like me, she also loves Charlotte Mason's educational methods. CM is actually very introvert-friendly now that I think about it. I am still trying to implement more and more of her wisdom into our homeschool, which has been a little difficult while living in a big city instead of the English countryside... but I'm not giving up! ;)

I know this post is getting too long (but you should expect that from me by now!) I definitely have to share this one, which is excellent and covers the bases the others may have left out. In Motherhood: The Introvert's Challenge, this mother of five not only talks about the needs of the introvert, but also the weaknesses and sins of the introvert (of which there are many, so I'm glad she puts it out there!) To sum it up, she divides this post into The Tug (to be more like extroverted moms), The Guilt (from wanting to get away from your children), The Temptations (making excuses for sin, laziness, not making time for your spouse or G-d, self-pity) I don't know about you, but I'm guilty of ALL OF THOSE! That's what has driven me to compose this post in the first place. Thankfully, she doesn't stop there. She also gives The Solution ("recognize your weakness and remember the Gospel") which is beautifully stated:

"There is no quick and easy solution to the introvert’s challenge in motherhood. But the main thing is learning to accept that God really is sovereign. Knowing God is sovereign, means that you can accept and embrace the way God made you. You do not have to become an extrovert to please God or love people well. He thought making you an introvert was the best thing for you and those around you. It was freeing for me to ponder the truth that God made me to be the right mother for my children and that my children are the right children for me, because God foreordained them to be a part of my life. The Gospel frees me to embrace who I am while not using my weaknesses as excuses for laziness. God’s Spirit will use me, introversion and all. My identity in Christ has got to be the foundation upon which I build my personal identity, regardless of introversion or extroversion. He has promised to perfect me, yes, even use my weaknesses in His service. That helps me relax, accept myself while not giving in to my natural sins and expect change as the Holy Spirit works in me, through all circumstances.  Sure, there will be challenges, but that is how God intends to grow me and make me more conformed to His image.  You will be stretched to your limits. Every time you fail or sin against your husband and children in your introverted way, is an opportunity for you to receive grace from God and to live out the gospel: repent, ask for your family’s forgiveness and let the Holy Spirit transform you. It is a hard but beautiful process to which your kids are privy. It is the story of redemption playing out before them."

Pinterest

I didn't mention all 35 but that last one, I think, is a wonderful stopping place in our google search journey (thanks for reading this far!) Despite the challenges, I wouldn't trade introverted motherhood for the world. While I don't think that introverts are better than extroverts, I also wouldn't trade being an introvert for the world. All the reading I have done on introverts actually helps me understand and try to sympathize with extroverts more. I find it fascinating that G-d created people so differently, yet we can be compatible if we first understand who we are (and who He is!) 

I may be a great introvert, but I know I have a lot of work to do in order to be a better mom and wife despite the challenges I face. I'm realizing those challenges now more than ever, but I also realize the advantages that I have been blessed with. Having a wonderful husband, two precious kids, and writing to keep me sane, I am hopeful that we'll be fine. I have a sneaking suspicion that you will be, too.

Pinterest

To summarize what I have gathered in my search, here's a list of how to survive (and thrive) as an introverted mom:

~Pray! (and remember that time with G-d can be even better than "alone" time, since He's there when you're alone anyway. Talk to Him. He knows you're losing it. He made you! )

~Make time to be alone without sacrificing all your family time (and for me, that seems to mean getting up earlier than I already do...oy!)

~Be honest with yourself, your husband, and your kids (Know your needs and share them with your loved ones. I'm sure they'll understand.

~Be present... in the present. (This one is tough for me. I'm usually thinking about the past or preparing for the future.)

~Give your kids (and husband) some special one-on-one time (which means giving them your undivided attention without the usual distractions in your mind)

~Implement mandatory "quiet time" (thank G-d my toddler still naps, but my kindergartner doesn't. We sometimes do schoolwork during naptime, but I really want to change that.)

~Don't feel guilty about your need for "me" time. (Everyone needs it. You can't be awesome all the time!)

~Give yourself grace. I can't finish this post without linking to this one, which I read a few months back while I was thinking about writing on this topic: 15 New Year's Resolutions for the Introverted Mom. I was encouraged by every single one.

~Never underestimate yourself. Push yourself out of the nest a little (while not overdoing it). Get out with your kids. Befriend a mom or two. Join a small mom's group. I have been a part of one for over a year now, and I love it! I didn't seek one out, however. It was more like an answer to prayer from a lonely mom (at the time). I took my kids to the park when we were supposed to be doing school at home, and a wonderful thing happened. A sweet and outgoing little girl befriended my sweet and a bit shy little girl, and the rest is history. Those two moms I met at the park that day have become cherished friends of mine. All I had to do was leave the house! ;) That may be all you have to do as well.